Let's Try to Always Provide a Dignified Way Forward

And a Message to My Fellow Straight, White, Cis Men

It’s been a rough couple of days over at my part of the internett…¹ And this has made me think about something I learned on a teacher seminar once: While dealing with tough student situations, always provide a way for them to come out of the situation with their dignity intact, while still achieving the goal behind the intervention.

It’s not an easy exercise, I can assure you! But I think it’s an important principle, that can be applied to many other situations as well.

We can disagree and still love each other – unless your disagreement is rooted in my oppression and denial of my humanity and right to exist.

— James Baldwin (via Patrick Rhone)

It’s a time for vigilance.

Especially for straight, white, cis men like myself. Because, people not like me are under attack (so they’re vigilant whether they want to be or not) – not because of what they do, but who they are. And we can’t let them fight this battle alone.

So here’s a little message to my brethren (and I’ll try my best to do my part):

1. Let’s pay extra attention – both IRL and online. Let’s try to speak up when someone’s harassed – or ask if there’s something we can do after-the-fact. Maybe they want us to talk to the insensitive boss for them, or perhaps not. Let’s not make a scene when one isn’t warranted.
2. Let’s take the time to explain why some things might be hurtful or important – even if it’s not any of those to us specifically. It’s tiring to always have to be the one to educate – so try to pitch in. (But see the last sentence in point 1.)
3. I know it might seem performative to wear a little flag on your lapel, bio, or whatever. But I like to think that it signals, to whomever might need it, that “I think who you are is OK”.
4. Keep learning. There’s so much I don’t know about not being like me – so I want to stay humble and curious. (And this very much applies to this very post as well! Feedback is greatly appreciated.) Kind questions might be perfectly fine – but at the same time: Read the room, and see point 2. No one likes a voyeur, or to be made into something exotic. Sometimes, maybe just let someone be a regular human being, and research a bit on our own. And, for the love of God, when someone shares with us: Listen.
5. And lastly, let’s not make pronouns into a big deal. I get that it might seem unnecessary to share our pronouns, as perhaps no one (including us) has ever been in doubt. But doing it (quickly, and without jokes) is a good way to make others, with a larger need, feel less alone.² And no one will lynch us if we say the wrong pronoun to someone – just say “sorry”, and (genuinely) try our best. (If you’re in doubt, it can be a good idea to ask privately beforehand.) What’s really hurtful is when people don’t care.

Some people are out of reach.

They might have lost the will to care for those unlike them a long time ago. And when it comes to these, spending time figuring out a way forward, is pretty pointless.

But many are not.

And if we are to take this battle seriously, we’ll also be in situations with people whose hearts might very well be in the right place, but could still need a nudge. I’m far from perfect when it comes to stuff like this myself: I sometimes say hurtful things – and don’t always use inclusive language. I also don’t do close to enough concrete action to help those around me. So I absolutely also require these nudges! We are not lost causes – just causes.

And this is a spectrum: From those who need a little nudge, to those who need a larger one, and off to the unreachables. **And one thing I want to see much less of, is people who equate those in need of a small nudge to the lost causes. **

I get that comparing this with a teacher/student interaction can give off a whiff of condescension – but that’s not my intension. I’ve just seen, too many times, how people who don’t see a dignified way out, will harden. And if they don’t see a way back into the community, they’ll strike out on their own (perhaps finding other outcasts). Everyone wants, first and foremost, to be loved. A good second option is to be liked, and a third one is to be accepted. But if all of these feel out of reach, they’d rather be feared than ignored.

To be clear, I’m not talking about letting things slide, or a lack of accountability. And I get that what I’m saying can be hard (and some people just don’t deserve it) – especially if one is tired, scared, or worse.³ That is why allies are needed!

But let’s try to imagine what it would look like if amends were made. What would have to be done? What would have to be said? (Now, and going forward.) Even though we can’t drag someone across them, let’s try to build the bridges we need.

I can only speak for myself: But if you want to be someone who respects, accepts, and supports others, no matter their race, sexuality, gender identity, religion, etc. – you can hang with me. And that door is always open, even though you might’ve said and done stupid things in the past. You do have to be accountable, and walk the bridge yourself – but you don’t have to be perfect.

I don’t want anyone to feel trapped in an identity of hatred.

I’ll end on what I’d categorise as a genuine and beautiful apology someone shared online. It’s easy to fuck up – let’s not make it harder than necessary to make proper amends.

I’d like to apologise what has happened from the bottom of my heart.

I have grossly overstepped the trust and respect of you specifically, the community and all people who identify as LGBTQ+. I made a mistake by my own doing and disregard of other people’s feeling and identity.

It was incredibly stupid, childish, and disrespectful of me to make that comment, which I realised on the day as rightly pointed out by the community. It was irresponsible, insulting, and insensitive to all — and rightly have been called out for.

It was never my intention to hurt you or make you feel this way. It is, and was, very out of character of me to say what I said, and there is nothing I can say here to make you feel better.

I made a terrible mistake. I ask for your forgiveness.

This specific forgiveness isn’t primarily mine to give. But I still give what I have.

-Erlend